Losing Myself: Goodbye Beijing

The past four months of my life have been incredible. Some days I still
can’t believe that I am in China. Last weekend I was reflecting on the
semester with some of the staff members of The Beijing Center and some
other students. I thought about when I first arrived in Beijing, not
being able to understand any Chinese written or spoken and the feeling
of isolation I had. I remembered making the friends that I have grown to
love so much. The friendships I have made in Beijing feel as though they
have already been a lifetime. Having gone through so many challenges in
such a foreign place has brought me closer to my friends here than I
could ever have imagined. They are truly what I will miss most about the
Beijing Center.

I remembered the two weeks I spent traveling around the Yunnan Province
of China spending my nights sleeping in villages with China’s ethnic
minorities. I remembered walking on the Great Wall of China and feeling
the centuries of history beneath my feet. I remembered going to Sichuan
and seeing the foothills of the Himalayas. I remembered all the days I
spent ordering 宫保鸡丁和奶茶 kung pow chicken and milk tea. I remembered so
many incredible moments: the moments of sorrow and joy, confusion and
understanding.

In Daoism there is a concept that you must totally lose yourself to be
able to find yourself. You must totally lose yourself to realize that
you are part of something bigger and greater than yourself. Being in
China allowed me to lose myself in a way that I have never done before.
There were moments when I was physically lost, but more importantly
moments when I was mentally, emotionally, and spiritually lost. Although
I don’t know if I have found myself, being in China has taken me on the
path of losing myself. It has made me a part of something bigger than
myself. In a place where everyday is a challenge I learned about myself.

Even though my study abroad journey is ending there is still so much
more I have to say. When I get home I will continue to reflect and write
about the many experiences I’ve in China (and Italy).

It is still hard to believe that the next time I write I will be home in
America.

再见北京 Goodbye Beijing

Made in China

I know that before I even thought about coming to China I was well aware
of how often I bought things that were made in China. Usually that is an
indication that it is not great quality but I now have a quality
purchase made in china. I recently had a suit tailor made for myself. I
had it made at a local clothing market. I picked out the fabric and
style with the help of some friends who came with me. When I went back
the first time to try on the suit I was really excited but the suit was
a little big and unfinished. Today I went back and tried on the final
product and I am very happy to have a custom made suit! I really dislike
shopping so having a suit made to fit me is awesome! When I was looking
at the suit realized there wasn’t a usual tag it made me think about the
made in China labels. I have been trying to buy things here in China
that are well made Chinese crafts and products rather than the mass
produced products that often make their way to the tourist markets. Even
though I have also indulged in some touristy gifts I am proud that I
have invested some of my money into buying quality items that I will
both treasure and use and remember this amazing adventure in China.

One of the best parts of getting the suit made was talking to the
seamstress in Chinese. When I first picked out the suit I didn’t use
much Chinese since I don’t know any colors or other adjectives I needed
to use, but I tried to throw in any Chinese words I could. I’ve found
that even trying to use a little Chinese can go along way with people. I
really believe that trying to learn the language and showing Chinese
people that you are about their language and culture can really improve
a situation. When I went back to pick up the completed suit I used a lot
more Chinese. I was so proud of myself when I told the woman that the
suit was very good and thanked her. Then she asked me about studying
Chinese and I told her in Chinese that I had a test early that day and
she told me that my pronunciation was getting good. I still find it
incredible that I was able to have even that small conversation with the
Chinese seamstress. It made me feel like all my studying is paying off
and I can at least begin to communicate a little more with Chinese
people. That small conversation was a small light in the midst of the
increasingly grey and gloomy city. It has been a hard couple of weeks
for me since I’ve had a ton of work to do, and since the weather has
been warmer the pollution has greatly increased. Even though I’m often
discouraged when I can’t see the sun there are always moments when some
little thing like talking to the seamstress or the woman at my favorite
milk tea stand can be a small ray of sunlight in my day. 

The Great Difficult Winding Staircase & The Olympic Park

I recently went on a school-sponsored trip to the Great Wall of China,
and think that it lives up to its name. It was great! When we went it was
an absolutely gorgeous day, the sky was even blue (which is rare in
and around Beijing). We drove about an hour and a half from our campus in
Beijing to the Great Wall and then had to hike up more steps than I care
to remember up to the wall. When I was finally standing on the Great Wall
of China the view was incredible. It was like being in a movie. I half
expected an animated Hung from Mulan to jump over the wall and attack me –
it just seemed so unreal that I was there. The wall stretched as far as I
could see in both directions over the mountains. Me and my friends
started to climb our way to the highest guard tower that we thought we
could reach in a reasonable amount of time. After about an hour of
stumbling up uneven, rough, and often steep steps I thought that maybe it
should be called The Great Difficult Winding Staircase.  We finally
reached the tower and then began climbing back to the other end of the
wall. Instead of suffering the hike back down we took a toboggan ride
down the great wall back to the park entrance. We each sat on a sled like
seat and then used a handle to move forward or break. It was extremely
fun but also kind of terrifying as I flew down the slide feeling like a
bobsledder. Even thought climbing the wall was a little tough the view
was amazing and just being on the Great Wall of China made it worth every
step. Although it happens often in China it was another “I can’t
believe I am actually here” moments.

Speaking of places I can’t believe I was actually at… this past weekend I
went to the Olympic Park with two of my friends. As we pulled up to the
park and saw the Bird’s Nest Olympic Stadium I would hear the
Olympic theme in my head, and was transported back to my couch at home
sitting with my family who loves the Olympics. I just kept thinking about
how I had seen all the buildings on TV during the Olympics and yet again
couldn’t believe I was actually there. If you had told me in the summer
of 2008 that I would be standing there myself two and a half years later
I wouldn’t have believed you. Although I could have stood in awe just
looking at the Olympic stadium I had come with a mission. I had heard
from a friend that part of the Water Cube (Olympic Aquatic Center) had
been turned into a water park. My friends and I bought our tickets for
the water park and headed inside. First, we stopped to look at
the Olympic pool used for the Olympic races. It was soooooooo cool to be
inside the place where Michael Phelps had won all his gold medals. Then
we headed to the water park. It was similar to some American water parks
I’ve been to only everyone except me and my two friends were Chinese.
Even though I’m used to being the only white person in Beijing I was
surprised that there weren’t anyother foreigners at the water park. It
was especially noticeable while we were in the wave pool and a giant
screen showed everyone in the pool. Like showing a crowd at a sporting
event the large screen zoomed in on people who were waving and dancing
for the camera, and of course they zoomed in on the three white Americans
dancing just as crazily as all the Chinese people around them. The water
park was a lot of fun, and it was pretty amazing to be swimming
and running around in the Olympic Water Cube. 

A Heartbreaking Trip to Sichuan

Last week I was on a week long trip to the Sichuan Province to China. At
one point the staff member leading the trip used the perfect adjective
to describe the trip: Arduous. Our trip became with an extremely
turbulent plane ride, and then continued with a rainy bus ride and
arrival at our first destination. We visited the famous Buddhist Dazu
Grottos, which are gorgeous Buddhist images carved into a natural rock
formation. I walked along the beautiful rocks surrounded by lush green
bamboo and feeling the rain hit the hood of my jacket. Even though the
conditions weren’t ideal it was easy to see why monks decided to live in
this beautifully peaceful place.

Our trip continued the next day by driving in the pouring rain to our
next destination where we didn’t get to hike up the World’s Largest
Buddha or visit the monastery behind the Buddha. It was the beginning of
what turned out to be an excruciatingly disappointing trip. I had been
looking forward to hiking to see the Buddha and the monastery but
instead our group was forced to take a Maid-of-the-Mist style boat ride
where I barely got to see the Buddha. After the boat ride we got back on
the bus and later arrived in a small town with nothing to do, nowhere to
go, and nothing to see. It was also freezing! Literally, it was snowing
during the night. We stayed the night in a guesthouse with no heating. I
was sharing a room with my friend Katrina and both of us feeling
miserable and tired we climbed into our freezing beds wearing as much
clothing as possible at 7:30 pm. When we realized what time it was we
felt super lame and decided to stay up and play 20 questions. So, after
an hour we called it a night and went to bed in a room that was the
same temperature as outside, which was freezing!

The next day began the arduous trek to the Tibetan cultural region of
the Sichuan province. We drove over, around, and through mountains
through a blizzard. We drove all day and into the night and finally
arrived at in the snowy darkness at what our guide claimed was “the most
beautiful village in all of China”. I was extremely skeptical, as I had
to stumble up a rock path in the dark to get our homemade village
dinner. Once dinner was over we walked outside (where it was snowing!)
to see the villagers perform traditional dances for us. There was fresh
goat meat roasting on a spit over the fire and hot tea for everyone to
enjoy. Even though I was cold and tired it was really a great experience
to see the villagers dance. It was an even greater experience when the
villagers asked us to dance with them, then turned on some village
techno, turned off the lights, put on a strobe light, and turned the
night into a village rave. It was strangely beautiful to see the snow
falling and people dancing with the flashing strobe light. After the
party we went back to the village houses we stayed in and again slept in
all our clothes since there was no heat.

The next morning I woke up and looked out the window and realized why we
had been told it was “the most beautiful village in all of China”. The
view was breathtakingly beautiful. I was looking at the snowcapped
Himalaya Mountains over a roof flying Tibetan prayer flags. My friends
and I decided to take a hike before we had to meet for lunch, and as I
walked past the trees covered in blossoms and snow I couldn’t believe
how beautiful the village was. Every single moment I looked at the
mountains I was hit by the majesty and beauty. There wasn’t a second
when I wasn’t overwhelmed by the breathtaking beauty of the landscape.
We found a goat path and followed it around the side of the mountain to
soak in more of the gorgeous views. Along the way we saw colorful prayer
flags flying against the brilliant white rocks and snow. For a while I
just sat on a rock and stared at the majestic mountains. It was amazing
to be so close to Tibet standing on a mountain The rest of the trip mostly consisted of driving on the bus, stopping to put snow chains on the tires, driving more, stopping to get food, driving more, stopping in a town to sleep for the night and doing it again. There was so much time spent on the bus that we spent more time on the bus than doing anything else. There was one night we were in the
town on the border of Tibet and ate dinner there and then drove away
because of yet another blizzard. It was absolutely heartbreaking for me
to be so close to Tibet and not be able to see anything or stay there
for more than the hour we had to eat. The whole trip left me feeling
worn down, disappointed, and heartbroken. I’m glad that I got to hike in
the most beautiful village in China but I am saddened that this trip has
left a lingering sadness in my heart. It is my hope that one day I can
return to that region of China and experience all the things I wish I
could have done on this trip. At least I can remember the smell of clean
mountain air and in my mind see Tibetan prayer flags fluttering against
the backdrop of the Himalayas. 

Midterm Mayhem and Massages

This past week was my very stressful midterm week. I spent my whole week
working on presentations, reading and rereading assignments, memorizing
over 100 Chinese characters, and memorizing a speech in Chinese. By far
the hardest studying I’ve had to do, maybe in my whole college career,
is Chinese. Everything about it is just so different – the characters,
the sounds, and the grammar. I stayed up late and woke up early to study
Chinese, and I hope it paid off but I’ll have to wait to find out. It
was strange because having midterms week made me feel like I was at
Loyola. It was just like midterm week in Chicago with late night
studying and stressing out, spending the whole week cooped up in the
library and study lounge, but instead of coffee breaks I took regular
milk tea breaks. I bonded with my Chinese tutor since I spent extra time
with her studying Chinese and even though it was stressful it really
made me realize how much I’ve already learned this semester. In all my
classes I was able to reflect on all the research, reading, observing,
and learning I have done.


I finished my midterms on Thursday so on Friday my friend Molly and I
decided we needed and deserved a break. We went to do a little shopping
and then went to get pedicures. After reviewing the prices we decided to
add a massage to our pedicure since it was only 30 rmb, which is the
equivalent of five U.S. dollars. The pedicure was amazing! I’m not a big
fan of my feet, but the pedicure made them feel amazing, and the massage
was exactly what I needed after a week of stress. So I guess even though
midterms were stressful and there isn’t any good coffee in China I got
to end my week with some much needed relaxation.


Tomorrow I am leaving for the Sichuan province of China on another trip
sponsored by my program. We are going to see the giant pandas and
hopefully some other wonderful things! So unfortunately that means I
won’t be blogging for another week, but I will be sure to write about
my Sichuan adventures as soon as I return.

China makes me feel like a poet...

Sometimes China makes me feel like a poet. When I’m walking through the
ancient cypress woods at the temple of heaven, walking up to a
templehall that is centuries old, or simply experience the joy of
savoring adelicious milk tea from the mom and pop stand by campus I feel
like I could break out a Tang Dynasty style poem.

Walking in ancient woods
Ancient arches speak
Tea refreshes my mind
How long have my thoughts wandered?

Sometimes just the vast number of emotions I feel at one time makes me
feel like a poet. One time when I visited a temple I was overcome by so
many emotions I felt like I could just start spewing beat poetry
right then and there. Looking at a gorgeous temple I was struck by the
beauty and tranquility and felt peaceful, but at the same time I was
struck by the disrepair and desertion around me and felt a sadness and
melancholy. Then just the thought that I was standing in front of a
beautiful centuries old temple in Beijing made me excited and happy, but
then realizing I’m standing alone in front of a temple in Beijing, China
made me feel lonely and disconnected from the world. There are some
movements like these that I feel like Beijing is slowly striping away all
my preconceived notions, thoughts, and feelings and instead dissolving
them to reveal raw emotions. I can’t help being honest with myself in a
place where there is no familiarity. China makes me feel like a poet
because sometimes the only way I can express my thoughts, even to myself,
are in disjointed ambiguous lines of poetic verse.

Sometimes China makes me feel like a poet and sometimes China makes me
curse. There are times when I am riding the subway, smooshed body to body
with Chinese people and I think, “why am I doing this?” There aretimes
when I am in a restaurant and can’t read anything on the menu and
nothing ever comes out looking like it does on the picture menu. There
are times when I am haggling in the market and I am being pulled at and
yelled at by all the vendors and I just want to yell in frustration.
There are times when I need to get laundry tokens and try to ask for them
in Chinese and the girl at the counter just states at me blankly, and
then when I point to the phrase in my book she laughs at me before
handing me the coins. There are days when a couple minutes after having
eaten lunch I start to realize that lunch will shortly be leaving my body
and I want to use a couple four-letter words.

But whether China is producing poetry or swear words it is definitely an
amazing place. It is a place that is challenging me and forcing me to
learn more about myself. And one of the scariest things is that
I’m really starting to like China. Beijing is growing on me. Yesterday
when I went to buy my favorite green milk tea from the mom and pop stand
the women greeted me with a smile and already knew my order. It is those
kind of things that are making me at home here and letting me see past
the stress and frustration to see that I’m enjoying Beijing.

Real, Rough, Rewarding Research

Now that I am back into the swing of things in smoggy Beijing I have
begun to do more onsite research for my Ricci project.. Last week I
began by visiting the Guangji Temple. It was much smaller than the lama
temple and significantly less touristy. The gift shop provided tons of
religious materials in Chinese and with the Chinese Buddhist Association
headquarters being located there everything seemed a little more
authentic. There were monks clad in muted orange robes walking around
the temple complex, inside the temple halls, and in the offices and gift
shop. There was no admission fee but I felt like much more of a tourist
here since I was the only one standing in admiration at the beautiful
temple halls instead of praying or engaging in conversation with one of
the monks. I loved the sense of reverence, prayer, and peace that seemed
to fill every corner of the Guangji Temple. When I was standing in one
of the temple halls simply staring at its beauty and observing the
devout Buddhists pray I was reminded how extraordinary it is that I am
getting academic credit for doing that. I am in love with my research
right now, and am so thankful that I have the opportunity to do original
on site research. I love that instead of hearing a lecture or reading a
book I was standing in a Buddhist temple surrounded by Buddhists
learning and observing and soaking in more knowledge for my research
than any book could have offered me.

Today I visited the Zhihua Temple, which turned out to be much more of
an adventure than I thought it would be. After getting off the subway in
an area I’ve never been before I consulted my map and headed for what
looked like the small side street that should take me to the temple.
Thus commenced what felt like one of the longest walks of my life.
Choosing the most direct route on the map I headed down a side street
(which in America would be considered an alley) and immediately
tightened my grip on my purse. The fact that there was only a few
Chinese people walking down the road just made me feel a little nervous,
but I decided I had already gone to far to turn back. So I kept on at a
brisk walk down the seemingly never-ending “road” which I quickly
discovered was the location of one of Beijing’s hutongs. Hutongs are a
type of narrow streets formed by lines of traditional courtyard
residences. A couple times the Chinese residents passing on bikes slowed
to nearly a stop to stare at me. I doubt they often see a white person
wandering down their street. After what seemed like a really really long
time I finally got out of the hutong and hit a major street.
Unfortunately I was only half way to the temple and had to walk through
another hutong. With trepidation I headed down another small
street/alley and again attracted the stares of all the locals. I finally
saw the roof of the temple rising above the hutong and let out a sigh of
relief since I had begun to wonder if I was on the right street or if
the temple even still existed. I am extremely proud that when the
Chinese man opened the ticket window I said 我是学生 (I am a student) and
got my ticket for half price. I said something in Chinese and a Chinese
person understood it! When I entered the gate and walked to the “ticket
check” the women in the office was eating lunch with a group of other
temple volunteers. When she took my ticket she asked me if I wanted to
eat with them. I declined the offer due to my inadequate language skills
and the contents of her bowl, but I was extremely touched by the
gesture. From the absence of English speakers in the general area let
alone the temple I think I might be the only foreigner they had seen in
a long time. There was a steady stream of small guided groups of Chinese
people in the temples. I stood in one temple hall for a long time and
watched as one of the guides showed a small gof Buddha. Being in the Zhihua temple made me feel so blessed and privileged – to be able to go and spend time in a gorgeous sacred place that is rarely seen by Westerners is awesome. Although it was a rough trip getting to the temple, it made it even more rewarding when I got to see its beauty and experience the hospitality and happiness of the people in it. It reminded me once again how amazing it is that I am doing real research and researching something I find truly beautiful.